


The Moral Of The Story

by WhyAreAllUsernamesTaken



Series: We either make it, or break it. [13]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: A lot is implied so you need to figure it out yourself, Alternate Universe - College/University, Han Jisung | Han is Whipped, Heavy Angst, M/M, Pining, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:00:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22978771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhyAreAllUsernamesTaken/pseuds/WhyAreAllUsernamesTaken
Summary: He doesn’t think it’s fair but if he were to say that out loud, Chan would tell him that it is part of life and that everything happens for a reason to some extent, that the universe sometimes works in strange and rather cruel ways.Cruel indeed, because he doesn’t understand who or what thinks it is necessary for Jisung to feel like this.Jisung has done a lot of stupid things.Falling love with his straight best friend is the stupidest of all.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Series: We either make it, or break it. [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1439083
Comments: 22
Kudos: 109





	The Moral Of The Story

**Author's Note:**

> I'm apologizing in advance.
> 
> This was supposed to a oneshot full of pining and sadness but turned into something much more.
> 
> Inspired by Ashe - Moral Of The Story.

Ordering pizza in the middle of the night, binge-watching childhood tv-series on rainy days, spontaneous trips to the arcade after lectures, sharing the last slice of cheesecake from the bakery, drunken singing on the way back home after a night out, crying over failed exams, sunbathing in the middle of the square in front of the dorms, pulling stupid college pranks like gluing furniture to the floor or sneakily stealing one sock every week until the other is convinced the dorm has a sock-stealing-ghost, talking his way out of a presentation he had forgotten he had to do, letting himself get pulled to a dark corner at a random party and ending up with a major hangover in some strangers bed the next morning, losing his temper and finally quitting that one shitty job, trying to dye his hair by himself and ending up looking like some poor imitation of Harley Quinn, initiating a childish food fight and ending up cleaning Chan’s dorm for three hours… 

Jisung has done them all, if not more. He’s done a lot of stupid things like that and even though he wasn’t proud of most of them, he wouldn’t do anything different. He’s done a lot of stupid things and will continue to do so because that’s just how he is; impulsive, inventive and quickly bored. All is well because each and every scenario had made him or someone else laugh in some way and that is all that matters. 

However, the stupidest thing he has ever done though isn’t anything fun like that and most certainly isn’t entertaining for anyone.

At least, Jisung thinks it isn’t entertaining.

No.

It keeps him up at night and acts like a massive red line through everything he does, haunting him from the first lecture of the day to afternoon study sessions in the library and all the way to his tossing and turning at night.

He regrets it, he detests it.

He hates himself for it.

_If only_

That’s what has been in the back of his mind for weeks, maybe even months, and for the love of God he can’t let it go. And he tries, he really tries and tell himself to just forget and rationalise it away but it isn’t working.

_If only_

But there’s nothing he can really do about it now.

The only thing he can do is look away and keep himself from blurting out how Minho laughing like that – eyes twinkling and obnoxiously high-pitched – makes Jisung’s head spin.

So he does just that and tries to ignore the older sitting across from him, stuffing another soggy fry in his mouth in hopes the awfully under-salted and sloppy piece of potato will distract him.

It almost works until Chan asks Minho what’s so funny and Jisung is all eyes and ears again, so stupidly keen on knowing because he has reached a point where everything revolves around Minho.

He hates it, but then Minho shows them a picture of Sooni with a weird hat on and he smiles, even chuckling as Hyunjin tries to one-up the cat lover by fishing out his own phone and looking for a picture of Kkami to beat him with.

Jisung used to like hanging out like this, the four of them, but ever since his epiphany he finds himself unable to enjoy moments like these.

Hanging out with Chan is fine, hanging out with Hyunjin is fine.

Being around Minho is far from fine.

It used to be though. Jisung used to look forward to spending time with the older, with one of his _best friends_ but now it makes him want to cry and run away.

Because he knows that Minho will never feel the same.

It’s a hopeless endeavour, one Jisung hasn’t even tried to start. 

By now his fries are cold and his sprite has probably lost all of its carbonation but he doesn’t care. It’s not like it will make much of a difference anyway; it all tastes bland and unwelcome.

Chan seems to notice he hasn’t eaten much and finds it a good idea to point it out when a silence falls and all Jisung can do is try to ignore the pairs of eyes on him and waves his lack of appetite off by saying his stomach is acting up.

Which isn’t a complete lie so it doesn’t add much to the already growing self-hatred.

They believe him but Jisung can see with a quick glance that Minho’s lips are set in a straight like, the worry and scepticism obvious to anyone who would make a decent attempt to understand.

And as the conversation picks up again and drifts to everyone’s upcoming plans for the spring break, he find himself drifting the other way.

How did things end up like this?

He doesn’t think it’s fair but if he were to say that out loud, Chan would tell him that it is part of life and that everything happens for a reason to some extent, that the universe sometimes works in strange and rather cruel ways.

Cruel indeed, because he doesn’t understand who or what thinks it is necessary for Jisung to feel like this. 

Jisung has done a lot of stupid things.

Falling love with his straight best friend is the stupidest of all.

‘’Hey Sung, pass me that yellow marker,’’

Jisung looks up from his phone and sees Minho pointing at something next to him on the bed, head still buried in a stack of summaries.

He lets out a sigh and twists around, finding the older’s dingy pencase next to the pillow and fishing out a yellow marker like requested before heaving himself off the bed.

The sun has already started to set and Jisung’s heart clenches painfully when he walks over to Minho to drop the marker in his open hand, soft golden light coming in through the window and lighting up the older’s hair and making the blue undertones stand out.

Jisung lingers for a couple of seconds and watches over Minho’s shoulder to see what he’s doing exactly but all he sees is numbers and angles and he gives up when the older starts highlighting parts like crazy, not even bothering to say thanks.

So he waddles back to Minho’s bed and ungracefully lets himself flop down.

He’s tired even though he has been spending almost all day doing nothing, going from hiding away in his own room to doing about the same here, the only difference being the change of scenery and Minho studying.

Jisung doesn’t want to be here.

Well, he wants to but he knew he shouldn’t.

If he had been a bit stronger he would’ve rejected Minho when he had called him earlier to ask if he could keep him company, but his rational thinking had gone out of the window when the older had said something along the lines of _’’I need my squirrel for moral support,’’_ and Jisung had been out of the door in seconds.

Minho knows exactly what to say to get his way and Jisung falls for it every time.

Pathetic.

Jisung lets out a sigh and rolls his head, ending up looking at Minho’s back as the older mumbles to himself.

So close but so incredibly far away.

So, so stupid.

He is so stupid.

But Minho had made it just so easy, _makes_ it so easy, intergrading himself into Jisung’s life like it’s nothing, smiling so warmly and never failing to be there for him whenever he needed someone.

At first that had been fine but over the course of a couple of months Jisung had become aware of the way his heart speeds up whenever the older looks him in the eye or how he feels jittery whenever their shoulders brush past each other’s or how his face flushes when Minho winks at him.

Things like that.

It had been a lot more of those things and it hadn’t taken Jisung all that much to figure out he likes Minho more than he should. 

The bed suddenly dips next to him, followed by a finger poking his cheek and Jisung snaps back into reality, looking up at Minho almost hoovering over him with a smirk on his face.

Just like that, Jisung’s dread gets twisted into a tingling in his brain and butterflies in his stomach.

‘’What are you thinking about?,’’ Minho asks and the poking stops but the finger doesn’t disappear and travels up instead, ending up gently tracing the skin under his eye.

Jisung knows he has been asked a question but he can’t find himself capable of answering, too stuck on the image of Minho’s eyes darting over his face, hair almost covering his eyes and the sunlight coming from behind him.

He wants to giggle and cry at the same time, so he settles for neither and just closes his eyes in hopes it will erase the image.

Minho seems to catch onto his inner turmoil and he shifts ever so slightly and now two thumbs are carefully running over Jisung’s closed eyes, probably an attempt to comfort but it does quite the opposite.

Still, Jisung doesn’t ask him to stop because at this point he is pathetic enough to take everything he can get, knowing _this_ will come to an end probably pretty soon.

‘’Seriously, is there something bothering you?,’’ Minho asks, voice ever so gentle and airy but with a trace of misplaced amusement, almost like he thinks this is _fun_.

Jisung feels his eyes well up behind his closed eyelids and he knows he needs to go if he doesn’t want to ruin everything right here and now, but _he’s so tired_.

So he just shakes his head and hopes it’s enough for Minho to back up and _please_ get away.

Of course it isn’t.

The next thing he knows, Minho sighs and shifts to lay down next to him. The fingers are gone and it’s suddenly too cold, but then the older tugs him towards him and he ends up half on top of the older, head on his chest and Minho’s arms wrapped around his waist.

He feels the older’s breath on his hair and hands rubbing circles on his back and the dam breaks.

The tears are silent and he feels strangely calm, almost disconnected as he feels them escape his closed eyelids.

He’s so tired.

‘’Oh Hannie,’’ Minho whispers and Jisung wonders how the older knows he’s crying because he’s pretty sure he isn’t shaking or making any sound.

But Minho just knows because he’s Minho, somehow always knowing what’s going on. He’s almost scarily good at it and it makes Jisung feel oddly uncomfortable at times, like right now.

Lee Know, people often refer to him as.

Jisung knows its a joke and more meant to tease than anything else, but hearing it always manages to turn the blood in his veins into cold slush.

Then he registers the hands on his cheeks, his head tilted up in a way that makes his neck ache uncomfortably and he knows that if he opens his eyes he will see Minho looking up at him and he doesn’t want to.

Frankly, he just wants to disappear, maybe wake up in his bed and finding that all of this was a sad dream.

Maybe he’d wake up and find out Minho had just been made-up and not real.

He’d like that.

Minho shifts again and Jisung get’s pushed up and into the older’s lap. If he hadn’t suddenly felt so miserable he would’ve flushed about the fact he’s straddling Minho, but he doesn’t care.

‘’Look at me,’’

It had sounded demanding and a bit panicked and Jisung likes to think he’s freaking Minho out – that the older is genuinely concerned - but he’s scared. He’s scared to open his eyes, deadly afraid of seeing a certain dark glint in Minho’s eyes as Jisung looks back at him with nothing more but pain, afraid that Minho will see right through him like he always seems to be so good at.

He shakes his head again and from the way Minho sighs he knows the older is getting impatient and slightly annoyed and it only makes him want to disappear even more.

Jisung knows that Minho doesn’t need this right now. He’s busy catching up to everything he has missed when he had the flu last week and he has no time to try to glue Jisung back together without knowing why he has to do so.

Another thing Jisung likes about the older is that he doesn’t pry, doesn’t sit you down and force your thoughts out of your head like Chan does.

He likes it because he gets to keep the older around for a bit longer than he would’ve if Minho had forced him to talk that one time when he had ignored his calls and texts a couple of weeks ago.

It had been a weak attempt to create some distance but instead of helping it had only made Jisung miserable.

His plan had fallen through the cracks pretty quick and of course it had been Minho who had barged in and put him back together, not once asking what was going on or why Jisung was sporting permanent dark circles.

_’’So high-maintenance,’’_

But then again, he kinda wishes Minho had pried at him because it would’ve prevented him from falling even further and thereby making his inevitable heartbreak potentially so much more worse. If he had just come clean right after realising he was in love, he would’ve gotten spared a lot of sleepless nights full of despair and longing.

His chest contracts painfully again and he sucks in a sharp breath and then Minho’s warm hand is on the side of his neck, just lying there.

Jisung subconsciously lets himself lean into the touch and it’s when he notices he has done so that a watery whimper leaves his lips because he’s _aching_ and it only adds to the self-pity and his eyes shoot open when he realises he’s well on his way to breaking down.

Like he had suspected, Minho’s looking at him like he’s trying to figure out what is going on inside Jisung’s head without asking about it and he feels so vulnerable and terrified he’s going to be exposed if he meets the older’s eyes.

So he pushes Minho’s hands from his hips and slides off his legs, awkwardly stumbling off the bed as he tries to wipe his tears away with trembling fingers and screaming at himself to _stop_.

It doesn’t really work – he wasn’t expecting anything else – and he finds a chuckle bubbling up from his chest.

It sounds foreign and off even to him, however, he is not surprised by it.

Minho seems to be because his eyebrows shoot up and he shuffles over the bed as he’s reaching out for Jisung, so painstakingly slow like he’s trying to approach a wounded animal.

Maybe Jisung is.

Everyone always tells him how much he looks like a squirrel and he knows he’s hurt so he guesses the approach seems fitting.

And Jisung is scared that Minho is seeing right through him when he suddenly _grins_ after their eyes meet, leaning back on his bed so casually like Jisung isn’t standing in front of trying to stop crying.

The air shifts together with the older’s demeanour and even though it isn’t the first time that has happened, it feel like it is. 

‘’You look ugly when you cry,’’

The comment throws Jisung off because it doesn’t come across as a attempt to make him laugh and like he had feared, Minho chuckles and his body freezes up, dreading what the older is going to do.

‘’Stop it,’’

What Minho does is shake his head with the ghost of a smile turning into a scowl as Jisung takes staggering breaths before the older’s suddenly standing in front of him, poking his cheeks rather harshly and Jisung tries to swat him away because it’s honestly hurting a bit but Minho’s fingers follow his face when he tries to turn away, ending up gripping his chin to prevent him from doing so.

‘’For the love of God, stop crying before I make you,’’ Minho suddenly hisses and the grip on Jisung’s chin is uncomfortable and he lets out a whimper, feeling his heart race when the implication settles into his brain.

He is almost ready to bolt right out of here because Minho’s honestly scaring him a bit, more than he has ever done, but then the older’s eyes soften when he lets out another watery whimper and steps a bit closer until he’s flush against him. Just like that, Jisung feels that familiar tingle in the back of his brain and he forgets how they have gotten here.

‘’I’m just kidding Sungie,’’ Minho chuckles, letting him go before pulling him in for a hug, ‘’You know you’re my best friend. I was just making a joke,’’

Jisung can’t really do anything but nod and believe the older, and he really does because Minho is warm and sweet and sways them from side to side, the arms around him tightening their hold.

Then it almost feels like Minho is trying to crush him and he almost panics when he can’t breathe properly, but the older keeps whispering sweet nothings in his ear and he choses to believe those instead of the fingers painfully digging into his shoulder blade.

Jisung still remembers the first time he noticed that something was… _off_ … about Minho, just barely two weeks after meeting him.

It had started out small like lagging reactions whenever Jisung talks about his day, like Minho was trying to figure out how he was supposed to react. Not that weird, just a bit odd and he had played it off as Minho being Minho – Hyunjin _has_ told him that the guy could be a bit of an enigma - but then he would bump into Jisung rather often, making him spill things over himself in the middle of the cafeteria for everyone to see, or he was being a bit too rough when throwing pillows at Jisung’s head whenever watching movies had turned into an impromptu pillow fight, or harshly grabbing onto his clothes to spin him around when Jisung didn’t notice passing him in hallways.

Not all that bad but Jisung thinks he had seen Minho _smile_ on a couple of those occasions.

And now that he is holding an icepack to his bruised fingers, eyes teary and body trembling, he wonders if Minho sometimes does those things on purpose for reasons Jisung’s can’t think of.

But the older is sitting next to him in the waiting room, rubbing soothing circles on the back of his back and muttering apology after apology for slamming the door closed while Jisung was holding onto the doorframe while taking off his shoes.

It doesn’t look that bad – no skin split open or weird dents – but when he had tried to bend his fingers earlier, he couldn’t. His ring finger is almost completely blue and almost twice as thick as normal and the rest are an ugly mix of red and purple and it _hurts_.

‘’I’m so sorry Sungie,’’ Minho whispers again, moving the hand on his neck to his shoulder and pulling him flush against his side, ‘’You’re shaking. Does it hurt a lot?,’’

Jisung nods and lets himself melt into Minho, the faint smell of Febreze familiar in his nose and the feeling of Minho’s breathing on top of his head. Minho coos in sympathy, tightens his arms around him and even though Jisung’s mind is pretty occupied with the sharp pain and throbbing in his fingers, something flutters in his chest and he feels a bit better.

Minho has been nothing but sweet the whole time so Jisung doesn’t feel that upset about what has happened. If any, he’s almost glad this happened.

He knows it’s a bit fucked up but he can’t help but smile shyly and lean into the older more, attentively listening to Minho’s heart beating steady in his chest.

‘’Han Jisung?,’’

Jisung looks up and sees a nurse standing there, smiling kindly and motioning for him to get up. He reluctantly slips out of Minho’s arms and gets to his feet. Minho is next to him in a second and takes his uninjured hand and Jisung’s heart does another flip as the older gently tugs him to follow the nurse.

He can feel himself blush but fortunately Minho isn’t looking at him to see.

It is about half an hour later that he’s back in his dorm, Minho pushing him onto the couch with the command to stay seated while he gets another ice pack into the freezer for later.

Nothing is broken or torn, but he had gotten the advice to cool for a couple of minutes every hour or so to try to keep the swelling down.

‘’And no more okay? The doctor said it’s bad for your circulation if you cool for too long,’’ Minho yells from the kitchen, followed by rustling and the door of the freezer closing.

When he steps back into the living room, Jisung gives him a hum to let him know he understood and returns to inspecting his fingers. They are still unnaturally hot to the touch and the purple bruises are already staring to go a little bit greenish, a sickening sight, really.

‘’I already texted Chan to let him know what happened and he insisted on coming over later, just so you know,’’ Minho says as he crouches down in front of Jisung, one hand laying comfortably on his knee.

Jisung nods again, knowing Chan was going to force his way inside anyways so telling him that he was fine and that he didn’t need to come over was a waste of effort.

In a rather uncharacteristic move, Minho suddenly takes a hold of his injured hand and brings it up to his lips, leaving soft kisses on each of his fingers as if he’s trying to kiss them better.

And Jisung _knows_ his cheeks are red from the sudden heath in his face and he hangs his head in an attempt to hide it from the older but before he can, Minho is chuckling – clearly having caught him already – and instead of pulling back, the kisses trail up from his fingers to the back of his hand, all the way to the inside of his wrist, his lips just lingering there.

It is when the older looks up at him with such a loving gaze that Jisung completely forgets to breath, hating Minho for doing these kinds of things.

Jisung can’t do this anymore.

He can’t keep pretending like he isn’t madly in love with Minho, neither can’t he keep lying about why his face flushes so often around the older or why he sometimes turns into a stuttering mess around him.

He can’t do this anymore, but neither can he do anything else.

Minho’s already such a fickle part of his life that he isn’t sure the older will stay if he confesses.

Probably not.

Because way before Jisung had even been aware he wants to spend the rest of his life with the older, Minho had joked about this exact same scenario right after he had found out Jisung isn’t exactly straight.

_’’I don’t really care as long as you don’t fall in love with me or something. That’s disgusting,’’_

Jisung had laughed it off at the time because even though it hurt to hear Minho’s thoughts on it, the older had clearly been joking around.

Still, he has to admit that every time he is close to snapping, the word _disgusting_ pops up like a warning message and reels him back in. 

He doesn’t think it’s disgusting but Minho apparently thinks it is. It’s a bit of a reality-check that he and Minho will never be. However, it’s just the older’s opinion on Jisung falling in love with him and not Jisung as a person so it is fine.

‘’Earth to Jisung,’’

He startles at the hand waving in his face, so much so that he drops the textbook in his hands, scrambling to pick it back up when he notices people snickering and giggling as they pass him.

Hyunjin is one of those people as well, but Jisung knows the other is doing so in fondness unlike the other people.

‘’You were really gone there for a second Sung,’’ Hyunjin comments, helping Jisung collect a few loose papers that had flown out of his book, ‘’What were you thinking about?,’’

‘’Nothing much,’’ he mumbles as they stand back up, hoping Hyunjin isn’t going to pry.

He does.

‘’You suck at lying you know? If I had to make a guess, it was about Minho, wasn’t it?,’’

Jisung wants to deny that statement, pretend he wasn’t obsessing over the fact that Minho had kissed his cheek earlier this morning when they had crossed each other in an empty hallway and how his thoughts had spiralled after that, but it is going to be a futile attempt so he shrugs, suddenly getting a bit choked up thinking about it all.

And then Hyunjin is hugging him, fingers running through his hair and a hand gently caressing his waist.

‘’I wish there was anything I could do…,’’ the taller whispers in his ear, clearly upset about not being able to do anything but watch from the side-lines and comfort Jisung.

Jisung doesn’t respond, feeling like he’s going to break the moment he does. His eyes are already watering and threatening to spill over and he’s determined not to cry out in the open for anyone to see.

But he does when Hyunjin sighs again and calls him _sunshine_ as he leaves a rather aggressive peck on his temple.

He’s stretched thin - has been for a while – and fears the moment he can’t handle it anymore.

Chan had commented on that before, telling Jisung how he has been seeing how he’s starting to close up, shrinking away from the world in a way that worries both Chan and Hyunjin. His friends have told him how they don’t see him smile a whole lot anymore, how much they miss hearing him laugh even though they had called it annoying before, how they notice that he goes out even less than normal.

Things like that.

Jisung himself doesn’t see it. He thinks he hasn’t changed all that much. Maybe he has, but he would say he’s just getting older and more mature, no longer this silly kid who acts younger than he should.

He has said that to them as well, but they have told him that it is his personality and doesn’t have anything to do with growing up, but he doubts that.

Jisung realises he’s loosing sight of reality again and stops himself from going further, clinging onto Hyunjin instead.

‘’You know what?,’’ the other says as he pulls away from Jisung, gently wiping the tears away with his sleeve, ‘’How about we go to the zoo, take your mind off of things? Just you and me. An old-fashioned Hyunsung date?,’’

Jisung wants to say no because he wants to go home and sleep but he hasn’t been to the zoo in ages and realises he hasn’t even gone to see the new reptiles they had gotten last summer. So he nods happily, already feeling much better just with the prospect of seeing the fascinating creatures lazily roaming around with their sharp but tiny claws.

Plus, he hasn’t been hanging out with his friends a lot either, let alone just Hyunjin.

Don’t get him wrong; he loves to have Chan around as well but facts are facts and Hyunjin has been his friend long before the Aussie had shown up and even though time shouldn’t matter all that much, Jisung can’t deny that he sometimes misses just being the two of them.

‘’Okay, then we’ll do that,’’ Hyunjin smiles, running his hand through Jisung’s hair again.

But just as Jisung closes his eyes to lean into the touch, it’s gone and he shoots his eyes open when he hears a surprised huff.

And there is Minho, standing next to them and holding onto Hyunjin’s wrist somewhere hoovering above Jisung’s head and the two are glaring at each other like they don’t agree on something.

But just as he’s about to ask about it, Hyunjin laughs and shakes his head, taking a step back.

‘’You never seize to amaze me Hyung,’’ the taller snorts, tapping Minho’s hand, ‘’Character development right in front of me,’’

The statement confuses Jisung, especially when Minho snorts and gently let’s Hyunjin go.

‘’I don’t know what you’re talking about Hwang,’’ The oldest sighs before turning to look at Jisung.

Jisung sees his brows furrow and he remembers he is still sniffling from crying earlier and he hates how Minho is here to witness how much of a mess he can be. Not a great way to impress someone. 

‘’Are you okay?,’’ the oldest asks, eyes darting from him to Hyunjin and back.

Hyunjin sighs and sends Jisung a sympathetic smile but it isn’t working encouraging at all.

Apparently he is too slow with figuring out how to respond because Minho mutters a fast _’’I’m borrowing him for a second,’’_ to Hyunjin before pulling him away. Jisung keeps tripping over his feet by the older’s speed but his pleas for Minho to slow down are ignored.

Then Minho finally stops dragging him after they have reached a pretty desolate spot behind the building and lets go, turning around to face Jisung.

‘’Okay what is up with you lately?,’’ Minho askes, crossing his arms and thereby signalling that he isn’t going to let it go until Jisung spills the beans.

But Jisung is far from prepared to do that so he tries his best to smile even though he knows his eyes are still red from irritation, tightening his hold on the books he has pressed to his chest.

‘’Just a bit stressed out, that’s all,’’

He almost thinks it’s enough even though his voice had cracked somewhere in the middle of his sentence. However, Minho almost growls at him before his mouth sets into a straight line, clearly not pleased with the answer.

‘’Jisung,’’ Minho interrupts, ‘’I’m tired of this. Stop lying to me,’’

Ah.

Yes.

Maybe he should.

Because he has been doing so for such a long time now and even if he wants to hide away, he knows that his behaviour has started to affect all of them.

But is he prepared for the disappointment? For the rejection? For the crash?

He isn’t.

But as he looks at Minho he realises he will never be.

So with that, he smiles at Minho one last time because he knows he won’t be able to after opening his mouth, neither will Minho even _let_ Jisung smile at him ever again after saying it.

He hopes to get one last smile back, but he gets a tilt of the head and furrowed brows.

Well, at least he has tried.

Jisung licks his lips, suddenly feeling like all moisture has left his mouth, heart slowly picking up its pace and quickly hammering away behind his ribcage, his fingers twitching.

He hates feeling like this and all he has to do is say it for it to stop.

So he takes a deep inhale and forces it out.

‘’I’m in love with you,’’

And Jisung can see it happening.

He sees Minho’s expression grow from worried and faintly curious to troubled, then shocked and before he knows it he’s looking at a man who’s clearly not happy.

Upset.

Angry.

_Disgusted_.

And Jisung knows he should have never said it when he feels the first bit of his heart chip off, accompanied by a flash of heath.

But it is too late now and he wishes he could turn back time, especially when Minho takes a step back from him like he’s carrying some kind of deadly contagious virus, one he desperately doesn’t want to get contaminated with.

His eyes start stinging again right when Minho’s brows furrow and he feels the shaking in his fingers, the dread, the feeling that all live has been sucked away from around him.

He can’t hear people murmuring in the distance anymore, no birds chirping, no rustling of leaves in the wind.

‘’Is this a joke?,’’ is the first thing the leaves the older’s lips, a bit too harsh and too irritated.

He could say yes.

God, he should say yes and try to salvage this but the look in Minho’s eyes tell him that it wouldn’t matter what he says, because what’s done is done and Jisung understands that Minho knows that he isn’t joking.

So he just slowly shakes his head, trying to ignore the stinging in his eyes and the way his chest seems to contract, making it that much more difficult to keep breathing.

It hurts.

He wants to say it hurts because it has been doing so for a long time and the more he keeps it in, the more it damages him, but the way his throat closes up prevents him from doing so.

Like all the times before, the hurt makes its way up from his heart and gives the last push and then Minho’s disgruntled expression blurs, the sharp edges getting lost in a swirly sea.

‘’I’m sorry,’’ he manages to whisper and he doesn’t know if he meant to say it to Minho or himself, but that doesn’t matter. 

All that matters is the scoff he hears Minho make and how he feels a heavy thump in his body, like its warning him of the destruction that’s going to follow shortly.

He feels the first drop leave his eyes.

Drip. 

Travelling down his cheek.

And his vision clears slightly with it but he wishes it hadn’t because Minho’s eyes harden and it stabs Jisung right in the chest.

He’s well aware of the stuttering breath coming from his mouth but he tries not to acknowledge it, knowing the sound of himself starting to break down will only pain him more, will make him feel sorry for himself and the last thing he wants is for Minho to laugh at him for being so pathetic.

‘’That’s….,’’ Minho whispers and for a second it sounds like he isn’t all that upset about it, like he’s contemplating something, that he is going to tell Jisung that he simply doesn’t feel the same way – because he just doesn’t swing that way - but that he isn’t angry about it.

But just as Jisung feels that little spark of hope somewhere hidden underneath the ache, Minho shakes his head and takes another step backwards, crossing his arms as his eyes rake over Jisung’s figure.

‘’That’s Fucked up,’’ he snorts.

There’s another thump and Jisung has to try really hard not to crash onto his knees, painfully aware that he’s starting to feel a bit dizzy.

‘’What the hell Jisung…,’’ Minho laughs, ‘’I didn’t think you were into me _that_ much. God, and I just thought it was okay to play along because it’s funny to see you turn so shy and small,’’

Jisung feels the blood drain out of his face and he actually feels like he’s going to throw up but he manages to swallow the bile back.

‘’H-hyu-,’’

Minho interrupts him with a hiss and takes a couple of steps closer until he’s almost looming over him, his whole presence daunting and incredibly intimidating and Jisung can’t help but shrink away with a watery whimper.

‘’Don’t call me that,’’ Minho whispers into his ear, voice dripping with venom and filling his brain with fear, ‘’Actually, don’t call me anything. If I so much as see you I’ll make you regret ever letting Hyunjin drag you to dance class,’’

Jisung is frozen into place but manages a weak nod when Minho looks him dead in the eye.

Then he gets shoved to the side, almost hard enough to make himself trip over his own feet but he somehow holds up, his crying turning into full blown sobbing when Minho snorts and pushes him again.

His back hits the wall and his head bangs against the stone but he doesn’t notice the pain when all he can focus on his this sharp pain in his chest and his haggard breathing as he sinks down to the floor.

Minho’s still looming over him, looking somewhat _satisfied_ as he opens his mouth again.

‘’Pathetic,’’

And just like that, Minho disappears out of his life.

No.

He knows that isn’t right, not entirely. 

Jisung knows it’s himself who disappears out of his friend’s life, preferring being on his own than with others, letting himself get swept away in the darkness of his room and the cold air that flows in from his open window.

In the first couple of days, Hyunjin tries, Chan tries, but he can’t bring himself to join them whenever there’s an invitation to go hang out. They try to get him to talk with promises of cheesecake and National Geographic marathons and as tempting as it sounds, he can’t bring himself to leave his bed for that long. And he feels so guilty about it.

Because he knows the two have no clue about how Jisung has not only ruined his friendship with Minho, but himself as well. He has yet to explain why he’s like this and why Minho has been ignoring Chan’s calls and why Hyunjin hasn’t seen him around dance classes.

Jisung calls isolating himself a prevention.

He wouldn’t want for Chan and Hyunjin to exhaust themselves as well by letting them carry the weight of a half dead boy around. 

But he realises he hasn’t given the two enough credit because here he is, laying on his bed with his head in Hyunjin’s lap as the guy makes tiny braids in his hair and his legs on top of Chan’s, the oldest traces invisible patterns on his knee.

‘’I’m in love with Minho,’’ he deadpans after the silence grows too thick, his voice hoarse from crying for what feels like hours after the two had forced their way into his dorm.

And even though he has never admitted it out loud to anyone but Minho himself, he knows they both know already. Still, it feels like the right beginning of the conversation.

Chan stops his hand and gently grips Jisung’ leg right above the knee. 

‘’Baby…,’’

And Jisung knows what Chan wants to say, the sad undertone clearly hinting at the fact that they all know how fucked he is for falling in love with Minho.

He manages to wring out a tiny smile in hopes it will make Chan feel better and that he’s okay.

‘’Have you told him?,’’ Hyunjin asks, still playing with Jisung’s hair, ‘’Is that the reason for all of this?,’’

Jisung lets out a long sigh and nods, ‘’Yes,’’

‘’And?,’’ Chan presses, his hand sliding of his knee in favour of shuffling closer and hugging Jisung’s legs.

‘’Fucked up,’’ Jisung mutters, Minho’s words replaying in his head like a broken record like they have been for the last two weeks, just as frequent as the painful memories of gentle touches and soft kisses.

‘’What?,’’

‘’Fucked up,’’ Jisung repeats, his voice breaking again when he tries to be a bit louder, ‘’He said it’s fucked up,’’

A silence falls and he can feel the pity radiating from the two, tainting the air and making Jisung feel so much worse.

He sees Chan’s brows furrow like something doesn’t add up to him.

‘’Are you sure he said that?,’’ the older asks, clearly troubled about it, ‘’That doesn’t sound like Minho at all,’’

And Jisung is confused because it isn’t such an un-Minho thing to say, in his opinion. After all, he has heard the older say worse but now that he thinks about it, Chan or Hyunjin had never been there to hear him and he realises that Minho acts differently when its just the two of them.

But who doesn’t?

Jisung does.

That’s just how dynamics work.

When he’s with Hyunjin he is a bit more sassy, a bit more playful, a bit more mischievous and when he is with just Chan he knows he gets a bit more serious like the older’s maturity is invading him. Being around Chan can also have the opposite effect and make him more child-like, looking for affection in the form of cuddles.

‘’I know right?,’’ Hyunjin adds, fingers nimbly pulling out the tiny braids and starting over again, ‘’Minho is a bit weird and can be pretty blunt, but I really thought he would never say something like that. To Jisung, of all people,’’

Jisung doesn’t know what to make of that statement and chooses to ignore it, letting himself enjoy and find comfort in the way Hyunjin’s still playing with his hair and how Chan’s body heath seeps into his bones. 

‘’I hate to say it but I was so convinced he liked you…,’’ Chan mutters, ‘’You were the only one he was so gentle and caring with, so much so that other people in our year thought that he was at least interested,’’

It hurts.

Because that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

The two must have talked to Minho because as Jisung opens the door after a couple of minutes of frantic knocking, the older’s standing there, trying to look apologetic but Jisung feels like there’s something fake about it.

He already feels the tears coming and hurriedly tries to close the door, but Minho keeps him from doing so by pushing back and forcing his way in, almost knocking him over by doing so.

‘’We need to talk,’’ Minho says, pushing Jisung inside even more and closing the door behind him.

Jisung doesn’t want to talk.

‘’I-I think we’ve talked more than enough,’’ he manages to whisper, looking down at his bare feet, ‘’Could you please leave?,’’

His request falls of deaf ears when Minho grabs onto his arm and drags him to the couch, pushing him down onto it. 

Jisung wants to be mad at him for the sudden invasion of privacy and manhandling, but he simply can’t and he hates himself for it, especially when Minho is standing in front of him and blocking any way of escape. 

‘’You look horrible,’’

Oh.

He had almost forgotten how blunt Minho can be.

Jisung doesn’t respond to the observation, more occupied with keeping himself in check and focussing on the feeling of the fabric of the couch on the back of his thighs.

As he lets his mind drift off, he finds himself blissfully unaware of what’s going on and he feels the corners of his mouth tug up when he remembers how he had once hidden Hyunjin’s phone between the cushions and made the guy look for his phone for about an hour before ‘magically’ finding it.

Good times.

He hadn’t known Minho yet back then.

Right.

Minho.

‘’I’m sorry,’’

Jisung snaps out of it and throws his head up, Minho looking down at him with glazed-over eyes and if Jisung didn’t know any better he’d say that it was the older who had been rejected.

‘’I shouldn’t have been so harsh,’’ Minho continues, hands on his hips as he stares down at him, ‘’I was just really confused,’’

And Jisung wonders if he’s gone crazy enough to start hearing things.

‘’W-what?,’’

‘’I want to try,’’ Minho sighs out, the corners of his mouth tugging up, ‘’Because I think I like you too,’’

Jisung is once again not sure if he’s heard the older right because the confession is so sudden and even though there have been situations in which Jisung thought that maybe Minho isn’t so straight as he claims to be, he had played them all off as subjective thinking on his part.

Still, the butterflies in his stomach are raving at the idea that Minho might like him. _Like_ -like him. Not as friends, but as a romantic interest.

It’s too much to comprehend, actually, especially with the harsh rejection still fresh on his mind.

‘’I-I thought you were straight?,’’ is what comes out of his mouth.

‘’Yes I am,’’ Minho replies, looking at Jisung like he has just asked the dumbest question ever, ‘’Where did you get the idea that I’m not?,’

And Jisung is so confused because just a few seconds ago Minho told him that he thinks he likes him, but now he’s saying that he’s straight?

‘’B-but…,’’ he manages to stutter, his eyes darting over Minho in an attempt to _understand_ , ‘’You just said-,’’

Minho cuts him off with an annoyed huff and pushes him back into the couch with one hand on his shoulder, hoovering over him in a way that is similar to the last time Jisung had seen him.

‘’Stop thinking so much,’’

And then Minho’s lips are suddenly on his, teeth tugging at his bottom lip and he lets out a muted screech when he feels his skin breaking and the taste of blood invades his mouth at the same time Minho’s tongue does.

It distracts him from the fact that Minho is kissing him even though he has been daydreaming about the older doing so for too long, he can’t find it in himself to feel comfortable with it.

Because Minho is downright _aggressive_ \- harshly tugging the hair on his nape and preventing him from going anywhere by planting one thigh on the couch next to his and his free hand pressing down on Jisung’s other thigh - and not at all loving and caring like he had imagined.

Something doesn’t feel right, but Jisung decides not to look for what it is when there’s finally the hope that Minho might like him, maybe even well on his way to loving him.

By now Jisung’s lips and scalp are hurting and he’s really running out of breath but Minho doesn’t seem to notice, or simply choses to ignore it if he has, his free hand travelling up Jisung’s thigh and veering to his hip and waist before ending up gripping onto his wrist.

Jisung let’s out another muted screech when he feels blunt fingernails digging into his skin and everything in him tells him to _run_ because this isn’t right, but then Minho lets go and brings his hand up to cup his cheek, his movement slowing down and turning _so_ gentle as he carefully caresses his face.

The alarm bells in Jisung’s head stop blaring and he feels himself relax, now enjoying how Minho has him caged in, his lips softly moving against his and tongue pressing all the right places in his mouth.

Jisung is practically on fire and grabs onto the front of the older’s shirt to ground himself. It doesn’t help much but keeps Minho close.

Then Minho pulls away and Jisung thinks he sees conflict and something soft in the older’s eyes and he flushes realising he has just kissed Minho. It hadn’t been the greatest experience at first but he writes it off as being that awkward first kiss when the older’s lips still linger close to his, shallow breaths fanning his sensitive lips, sending chills down Jisung’s spine.

Minho snorts and backs off, arms crossed and once again looking down at him with a scrutinizing gaze but instead of scaring him, it sparks something in Jisung and leaves his insides tingling.

But with everything with Minho, it doesn’t last long.

‘’You’re not that great,’’ he smirks, ‘’But it wasn’t as bad as I expected,’’

Jisung isn’t able to identify his tone and he remembers he’s still so confused about _what this means_.

‘’W-what about J-Jiwon?,’’ he stutters, holding a hand to his hot cheek, ‘’Are you going to break up with her?,’’

But then Minho chuckles as he leans forwards again, placing a kiss on his forehead before moving to his ear.

‘’Good things come to those who wait,’’

And so, Jisung waits.

Days and weeks slowly seep into months and even though Chan and Hyunjin tell him that it isn’t _right_ , he waits because Minho has asked him to.

Or, well, hinted that he should.

He waits even though Minho goes from girlfriend to girlfriend, making sure Jisung keeps waiting by telling him he’s just trying to figure things out and that Jisung needs to trust him.

And whenever Jisung feels like he’s running on the last bit of hope and starts doubting, Minho shows up and holds him and tells him how sorry he is and that he’ll figure things out soon, that Jisung just has to wait for a little bit longer.

Months turn into a year and Jisung is _exhausted_.

He tells Minho that much and gets screamed at and thrown to the floor because Minho is trying and Jisung needs to ‘’Stop being so selfish and give me time,’’

But Jisung can’t anymore.

He has already spend so much time on Minho, either on keeping a façade or being understanding, and he can’t keep it up anymore because the hurt has gone from invisible and caused by heartache to visible and caused by Minho, so much so that Chan doesn’t believe him anymore when he tells him that he just trips over his own feet a lot.

And maybe, after another couple of weeks, he starts to understand Chan’s concerned eyes and Hyunjin’s new-found hate for Minho, but they just don’t _understand_ and quite frankly; It’s not their business.

So here he is, tossing and turning in his bed and waiting for morning to come so that he can tell Minho he’s out for real this time.

And he cries and cries because he really loves the older and thinks Minho is close to ready to be with him, telling Jisung as much whenever they cuddle on the couch or spend their evenings making out.

He contemplates trying just a bit more if that means he will be able to see the day Minho will tell him he loves him too.

It is when his alarm goes off that he decides.

He will wait a bit longer.

Because Minho’s _trying_.

And even when he gets introduced to Hyeji - his new girlfriend – later that week, he lets Minho apologize again that evening for never telling him he had broken up with Jiwon a couple of weeks back just to start going out with Hyeji, lets Minho kiss him like he always does when he’s sorry, let’s Minho ignore him to go out on dates, lets the older yell at him when Jisung shyly asks if he’s figured things out yet.

He lets Minho do all of that because if he doesn’t, the older will stop _trying_ and any hope that he will ever be his will vanish.

Jisung will wait.

Even though the older keeps joking about Jisung’s sexuality in the presence of others, comments about how weird he is and laughingly apologize right after to veil what he really thinks.

Even though he ends up at Hyunjin’s place in the middle of the night more often than not because Minho has thrown him out after an argument.

Even though the sporadic genuine affection isn’t anything near enough to overpower the pain.

Because he loves Minho.

Foolish.

Han Jisung?

_’’oh, that kid? Tragic,’’_

_’’I heard about it from a guy who apparently was in the same major as him, said he used to be a really funny and sweet kid. Always smiling, very hardworking, kind to everyone. Never hurt a fly,’’_

_’’Poor boy,’’_

_’’Apparently his two friends went berserk during the court case and tried to get to the defendant. The rumour is that security had to literally drag them out before they could proceed with the trial,’’_

Lee Minho?

_’’Did you hear he cheated on her?,’’_

_’’From what I understand, his girlfriend caught him banging a guy,’’_

_’’I also heard he beat that kid into the hospital right after that, the poor boy wasn’t even breathing when the police arrived,’’_

_’’I told you the guy has a screw loose. Creepy asshole. He was always Glad we won’t have to see him around Uni anymore,’’_

Jisung has done a lot of stupid things in his life.

The stupidest of all was letting things go so far, trusting Minho to keep his words, letting himself get dragged along with mind games and manipulation because he was too blinded to see what was happening.

In the end it had cost him so much more than he could’ve ever gained.

Still, he had never been able to hate Minho.

Even when he kept getting hurt, even when his whole body had ached and a mixture of tears and blood had dripped down his temples.

He had loved Minho.

And always will.

Because it was the last thing Minho had whispered to him with tears trailing down his face, looking down on him as his consiousness faded away.

_''I love you Sungie,''_

If only Minho had realised that earlier.

If only.

**Author's Note:**

> Also apologizing at the end.
> 
> And fml I'm never writing in the Present Tense ever again. I'm used to Past Tense and changing it was fucking with my non-native-speaker head and half of the time I was busy correcting what I had written.
> 
> Was fun trying but no no.


End file.
